When someone leaves the church, I become distressed. Doesn't
matter who they are, I still get distressed. Actually, distressed is not the
right word.
I get angry.
Ok, ok, anger is a secondary emotion resulting from
something else usually fear or hurt. For me, that primary emotion is hurt. I
know it’s not all about me and people have to make decisions based on what’s
good for them. I also understand that the universe does not revolve itself
around me; however, I’m still hurt. Before labeling me a self-centered
bellyache, let it be known that I understand what is about to be said sounds
very egocentric. But when things happen, I immediately think about what I might
be able to do to make it better or to look at what I might have done wrong. So,
while there are other issues involved, this is what is going on in my head. Let
me explain my anger/hurt.
I thought I had made a true connection with those in my
church. I thought we were friends and that I was invested in their life as they
were invested in mine. I have spent hours and hours with these people over the
years sharing my heart with them and listening to their problems. I have also
spent hours simply having fun with these people.
Yet, they could walk away.
Not just from me but from the other people who have also
invested in them. My tenure as a minister and as a part of a church family,
whether here or in various other parts of the country, I have experienced the
pain and loss of people…just…leaving. It feels like I’m being traded in so they
could trade up. It seems as if I’m not important enough to try. I feel
forgettable.
I know that when people leave the church that they aren't
trying to hurt me. That doesn't make the hurt any less. I read posts on
Facebook about people and their new church and how much fun they are having and
my heart hurts because our relationship was so easily pushed aside.
A lot of these emotions and taking it personally comes from
my own insecurities that were conceived in the third grade and cemented in by
my high school best “friend” who really just used me for my car and to get to
my brother.
I don’t easily share myself with other people because I’m
afraid of getting burned. I’m still not sure if I’m going to actually post this
because of what the response may be. I usually keep my hurt to myself and hide
behind anger or even pretend that it isn't bothering me. I want to be perceived
as strong and that I didn't give someone else the power over my emotions.
But I’m not strong.
I’m vulnerable.
