Many of you already know that in June of last year, I miscarried
my first child. It was right before we left for youth camp. That week at camp
was one of the hardest weeks I’ve ever had to live through. On one hand, I was
falling apart on the inside with heart breaking for myself and my husband. But
on the other hand, I had to be the one in charge protecting our kids and being
there for them in the spiritual and emotional questions. Blessedly, I had some
of the greatest support in the other adult leaders from our church. I also had
(have) some of the best kids around.
What hasn’t been announced to everyone is that last week, I
miscarried my second child. That’s 2 in 9 months. My body is still working to
repair itself and my emotions are still all over the place. Here’s the rub: I’m
angry. I’m angry at God but I really don’t want to be. I know God loves me and
I know He wants what’s best for me.
Yeah, yeah. I know all that. I can even understand why He
might allow this happen to me because I’m not as faithful to God as I should
be. But I’m not the only one hurting through this.
The core of anger comes from the fact that He’s allowing
this to happen to my husband, the most wonderful man I know. My husband is amazingly
faithful. He gets up early to read his bible and He is involved in so many
ministries at church. He has even volunteered helping people do their taxes FOR
FREE. He had to go through certification training and has given up much of his
time with no compensation in return. All because he wants to help people and
show them Jesus.
So why would God let this happen to him?!! Twice?!!!
I know. I know. There are at least 15 reasons why things happen
the way they do.* And I will get over this eventually. Like I said, I don’t
want to be mad at God. I want to be comforted by Him.
That’s what I find absolutely amazing in all of this. While
I am still angry, He still comforts. He can comfort because I haven’t stopped
talking to Him. If I keep that line of communication open, God will send me all
the comfort and love I need.
Despite my anger.
Despite my fear.
Despite my despair.
He is always there.
God is big enough to handle our anger and fear. He can
handle it. It’s not always bad to be angry at God. We just can’t let that anger
lead to the silent treatment. It’s the silent treatment that kills a
relationship, not the anger. Admitting to God that I’m angry has allowed me to
take His forgiveness and comfort. God is soothing my anger because I am
listening to Him.
I’m still hurting, but He’s soothing that, too.
*Seriously, if you haven’t already read the book, you need
to read “15
Reasons Why Things Happen” by Darril Deaton. Be sure to read the forward,
too.
