Plague of Mosaic Proportions

Allow me to set the scene for you. At work we have what is called “The Unit.” It is a mostly wooden building where we seclude the population of the community that is considered unsafe. Usually what would land someone in The Unit are things like aggression, continual breaking of male/female restriction, and causing physical harm to others. The Unit, at this particular time had 5 guys in it. The counseling staff and the other head honchos (including the one in charge of the Unit) were assessing a few of the clients seeing if they needed to be admitted.

We had decided that one needed to go thus taking the count to 6.

We had made a decision that there was one more that needing to go so we brought him into the conference room to discuss the matter. During the discussion, the head honcho of The Unit gets an urgent phone call and she zooms, yes zooms, out of the room. But not before she makes a page overhead for maintenance to go to The Unit…STAT!

As we continue our discussion with the client we are about to send, over the radio we hear commotion. Yes, commotion.

Then we get a phone call in the conference room from The Unit head honcho saying that we can’t send anyone else to The Unit.

Ok, so we send the client we were dealing with on his way with a stern talking to and an understanding that he can’t mess up again.

Then the head honcho shows up again.

Termites have taken over The Unit and those that are currently in there need to be moved.

How bad is it? How can anybody tell?

Oh it’s bad, they’ve come out of the walls and are covering the floor.

*deep breath*

Now, I’m put in a position where I have to decide if I want to be the good employee or the passive one. I decide that I’ll be helpful. Another teammate and I decide to go over to The Unit and help the staff transfer these clients to their new location. I keep telling myself since they are still over there, it can’t possibly be that bad.

That’s what I get for thinking.

I walk into The Unit and look to my right through the security window into the North Wing.

PAUSE

I’d like to pause here for a moment and say that I realize in the past I have been known to exaggerate slightly for the good of a story. I want to be perfectly clear here when I say that there is NO exaggeration here. When it comes to bugs, I’m not even the squeamish one. When my brother and I shared an apartment, I was the spider killer. I feel like I need to explain that as I continue with my story.

RESUME

I look into the North Wing to see bugs pouring over the floor and walls. Didn’t know termites had wings until this very moment. What a joyous moment to learn that lesson.

Rob and I step into the dayroom of The Unit where only one door is separating us from the North Wing. That door has a two inch gap along the bottom. Termites are starting to pour into the day room as the six boys are pressed against the south wall in preparation to for transition.

The head honcho comes in and gives them a sweet speech about holding it together as we transition them and that it won’t take long for them to fumigate The Unit should it be necessary for one or more of them to come back. After that, they were each given their flip flops one at a time.

It took everything I had within me to stand there calmly and professionally while hoards of bugs were swarming less than three feet away from me. Did I mention that they fly? That means that some of them weren’t contained to the wall and floor three feet away from me!!! Every fiber of my being wanted to scream and run out of there in a panic stricken terror.

It’s the day after and I’ve had two showers since then.

I still get itchy just thinking about it.

I’m telling you, the only reason why one of the plagues that God sent to pharaoh wasn’t termites is simply because either there wasn’t enough wood or he didn’t want to leave them homeless.

Through the air with the greatest of ease

My work day was coming to a close and it was a true Friday (meaning I didn’t have to work on Saturday). I did have to stay late as I had to do a second intervention with a kid before I left but that’s ok because it was Friday!! I check my phone and see a message from my father that states: Going to Chinese for supper around 6-6:30.

This was followed by a second message that stated: just saying.

Sweet! Chinese! Of course, I’m running late but hopefully I can meet them in time.

Oh miracle of miracles, I get another text from my dad! This one reads: Meet me on the square. Park next to me in front of the BBQ.

Score. Not only am I not too late, but I also don’t have to drive the whole way there.

So, my dad and I are riding along listening to his music choice (hmm) and just chatting…like we do…when up ahead, in the middle of 175, we see a man walking towards us. Well, walking is a stretch. He is sauntering/stumbling. He is obviously disoriented. My dad immediately pulls over the car and before it comes to a full stop my door opens and I go running after the man.

That’s right folks, Fatty McGee went running down 175 with my dad following. My dad started to stop traffic as I went out to the middle of the highway to grab him. (Of course I thought they were stopping at the sight of ME running at them.)

“Sir!! Are you ok?!”

“Whah?”

I grab his arm and I can immediately smell the alcohol. My dad grabs his other arm but I guess the wind is blowing just right so he can’t smell the booze. The guy is having trouble responding to the leadings of Deatons but he is coming along. By this we are joined by another do-gooder named Chino, who coincidentally lives 4 houses down from my brother and comes to my church every Thursday with his little boy for T-ball. Or is that spelled tee ball?

Sorry, I derailed. I try to get him to sit down but he’s having none of it so I get him to lean up against a van and Chino is helping to guard him. My dad is on the phone with the 911. My fear at this point is that Justin (that’s his name which is the only information that we could get from him besides the fact that he didn’t know anything) was going to start swinging. So I just kept my hand on his arm so that if he starting swinging I could grab the one arm and pray that Chino could grab the other. At this point, even if Chino couldn’t, this guy was so smashed, all I had to worry about was dodging the first swing and then he would be done. His own momentum would take him down.

Well, after watching him pee his pants (twice), helping the cop take him to the ground, one over bearing woman with some extremely bad ideas, and a quick report to the nice policeman, my dad and I were once again on our way and were soon having Chinese food with my mother, which was really the whole point of the evening anyway.

When my dad and I were explaining to my mom why we were so late my dad kept saying that he was just waiting to see a body flying through the air because it was that dangerous of a situation. I wasn’t even looking at the cars, I was just looking at the man. I guess that what makes my dad and me such a good team in situations because we look at things differently. He saw the cars and what could possibly kill me and the guy, I just saw the guy that needed to get out of the street.

I wish I could say that this is the only time we’ve ever been in such a situation that would test this team theory, but it’s not.

*sigh*

It’s not.

I have a fiance

The announcement slide had said that if you missed Sparky’s surprise skit at the fundraiser luncheon you would regret it. In the past, all of his skits have been extremely creative and fun so I was looking forward to it. Plus, I knew who was doing the cooking so I had my reservations for the upcoming event.

As we were sitting at our little table eating our salads, Curtis said that the skit was one of those that involved Sparky taking people from the audience. Considering our history of making fun of each other, I had a feeling I was in trouble.

I look over and see that in addition to Curtis’s parents who arrived earlier to watch the puppet black light show, Curtis’s grandparents arrived.

Now, Curtis’s granddad is a pastor at a church of his own and finished his morning duties (he he, duties) and then they came to our church for lunch.

“Hey, you’re grandparents are here! Why are they here?”

“I don’t know. Sparky, why are granddad and them here?”

“I don’t know, I guess to support the puppet ministry.”

Now, I would like to think that I am an intelligent person. However, my brain stopped working. I didn’t put any of it together. Other people told me later that they figured out what was happening. I would like to think that God made me intentionally stupid at this moment. Especially when Curtis’s mom pulled out her video camera at this next part.

Sparky steps up to the podium and announces that he, and whoever he gets from the audience to help him, will be performing the favorite fairy tale, “Cinderella.”

Immediately, Steven began to heckle. Now I KNEW I was in trouble.

Sure enough, I was chosen to play the role of Cinderella. I was handed an apron and a broom. My evil step mother was a police chief and my evil step sisters were a juvenile probation officer and a dog catcher, both male, all three in bad wigs.

Then my fairy god mother arrives. Darin. He, I’m sorry, she, had long blonde hair, fairy wings and a wand. Oh and she spoke like Yoda, thanks to the heckler.

Then comes Prince Charming. My Prince Charming, Curtis. Of, course, he had a wig too.

Sparky walked us through the whole story including dancing and shoes and all.

Then came the moment when Prince Charming gets down on one knee. Now, I thought Sparky was just teasing him again for taking FOREVER to advance our relationship. Then Curtis reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring box.

Wait, a minute! Sparky didn’t give him that prop.

Now, let me give you a little side note for a moment: One night, a couple months into our relationship, as Curtis walked me to the door after a date, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box that had a candy heart in it. He gave it to me. I read the heart and it said, “Kiss me.” And that was how our first kiss happened.

Another night, I handed him a box that said the words, “Love ya” which brought about the first time we said I love you to each other.

Ok, back to the story.

So, Curtis has this ring box, he’s down on one knee, wearing a mullet wig, and I’m confused because I still don’t know what’s going on. Curtis opens the ring box and inside is a candy heart that says, “Marry me.”

That’s when the neurons kicked in and I understood: Curtis is asking me to marry him!!!

The crowd went wild! It was like it was a football game with all the whooping and hollering. I looked up and Alexis was crying (so was Darin).

Then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen.

I said yes.

1979, please Alex

How much was gas when you started driving?

WikiAnswers says 88 cents. At first I thought, "no way." Then I remember driving to Gaffney to get gas because it was 99 cents. Now I feel even older than Taylor says I am.

Did you ever own a record player?

still do.

What year did you graduate high school?

1997

Do you own any Oldies Music? If so, what?

holy cow yes. I have most eras, including Baroque. My favorite is the old standards, Frank Sinatra, Louis Prima, Dean Martin.

Where did you go on your first date?

My dad took me to a play and The Balcony restaurant in Fort Worth on my 13th birthday. He wore a tux.

Do or did you own a pair of roller skates?

I inherited my brother's. They were blue with red wheels. I currently own a pair of Sketchers roller skates. Do I know how to use them? No. I'd fall. I'd fall very painfully.

Have you ever played skip-it?

Heck yeah!! Fun times.

Do you remember moon shoes?

More fun times. My science teacher had a pair.

Did you ever do the Macarana dance?

yes, and I am ashamed of myself. I will never do it again if I have any say in the manner.

What was your first pet's name?

Jiggs

Have you ever dyed your hair a weird color?

not really. it was weird for me and everyone that knew me, I tried blonde once. Mark Dougherty was the only one that liked it besides me.

Did you ever play four square?

still do. Pudge Girl is a four square masta

What about Hopscotch?

yeah, but I didn't really like it. preferred bikes and skateboards and stuff like that. Oh! and making a house out of a refridgerator box.

Or Dodgeball?

who didn't? It was a way for bullies to perform legal executions in gym class.

Have you ever won a goldfish at the fair?

no, never really did the games.

Where did you meet your best friend?

I believe the first time I ever met her was when she came to see Grease. But I knew who she was before that, not sure how. Maybe it was when she came to see The Elephant Man. Did you come see The Elephant Man?

Do you know how to do the Electric Slide?

hello?! A night at Scuffletown or any wedding/school dance/Women of Faith conference is not complete without the Eletric Slide

Did you like strawberry or chocolate milk better?

Chocolate

What was your favorite food as a kid?

I believe it was Kraft Macaroni and Cheese...or is it Cheese and Macaroni

What was the 1st video game console you owned?

Texas Instruments

How old were you when you got your first car?

16

What was your 1st job?

Off the books-mowing lawns in the trailer park, on the books-grocery store cashier

Have you ever had a fuzzy steering wheel?

heck yeah, looking for a new one. my favorite was the pink fuzzy one. Can't find one.

Have you ever made rice krispy treats?

I don't think I have

How old were you when you got a house key?

9

Ever met Geoffrey the giraffe?

Oh no. Mom made a rule of not taking us to toy stores. I believe she made a wise decision with that one.

Did the robots on the chuck-e-cheese stage scare you?

I don't really remember going to chuck-e-cheese as a kid. We were kinda poor back then. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, yeah, we had no money for such things.

What was the first rollercoaster your rode?

I was 17 or 18 and I had gone on a family vacation and brought Jeanine with us. We went to Cedar Point in Sandusky, OH (home of Callahan Auto) and I rode 5 of the 10 rollercoasters. Cedar Point was in the Book of Guiness World Records for having the most roller coasters.

What is your favorite arcade game?

Q-Bert

Who was your first sleepover with?

Probably at the Perez's house

Have you ever had a really big stuffed animal from the fair?

no

If so, who won it for you?

Not Applicable

What is your favorite ride at the fair?

Little aprehensive about riding a ride controlled by some guy named Bart who is available for working the fair because he recently got released from his previous job for refusing to wear anything other than tank tops. His naked lady tattoos were offending the little old ladies at the grocery store. His incessant chain smoking also kept setting off the smoke alarm in the staff bathroom.

What's the best fair food?

Funnel Cakes from my own personal experience, but I've heard that the new Chicken Fried Bacon at the Texas State Fair is to die for. Literally, it will kill you.

How old were you when you got your piercings / tatoos?

First ear piercings-5, second-18, third-20, cartilage orbital-28, nose-21, tattoo-21

What were your high school colors?

red and black

How long can you make it on a pogo stick?

not sure I can even make it on to the pogo stick

Did you have a red wagon?

no, my brother did to deliver his newspapers

Did you have a motor powered fisher price car?

no idea what you are talking about. I was having to much fun on my sit-n-spin to worry about a motor powered car

Did you ride the school bus? Was it short?

yes, yes i did. no, no it wasn't

What was your favorite toy as a kid?

my cabbage patch kids, star wars figurines, transformers, and gi joes.

Do you remember the 'My Buddy/Kid Sister' theme song?

yes, and poo on you because now I'm singing them in my head

What do you miss most about your childhood?

no responsibilities. I just want to go back to the days when someone would take care of me and all I had to be concerned with is putting the crayons back in the box the way I found them. (yes, I had OCD as a child too)

What friend of yours have you known the longest? How long?

Oh I don't know how to answer this. You mean that I still talk to? I guess Mark Zeiner. I've known him for 16 years. I'm still in vague contact with others but that's only through Facebook. Mark actually emails me and he has my phone number.

Have you seen every episode of Full House?

yes (I am so ashamed)

Were there any shows you were forbidden to watch as a kid?

yes, I wasn't allowed to watch any other cartoons except Disney ones. The other cartoons had stuff like anvils falling on people and animals running off cliffs and surviving. My parents were well aware of how my brother and I thought through things. We would've tried them. They were very smart.

Did you have a limit as to how much tv you could watch per day?

no, when I lived in Ohio, it wasn't a problem.

Were you allowed to have sweets before dinner?

I don't remember

Did your parents tell you they walked barefoot, up and down the mountain in the snow to school?

No, but I think my mom actually did. Have you ever spent a winter in upstate New York?

Oldie but a Goodie

Six or so years ago, I used to work as a transporter for the cath lab in a hospital. If you're curious as to what a transporter does, it's not nearly as cool as what Jason Statham does. What I did was go pick the patients up from their rooms for their procedure and then when their procedure was done, take them to recovery.

I also was the general poopsmith. I had to put patients on bed pans (and everything that entails), empty urinals, stop a lot of bleeding, and take a lot of crap from the scrub techs.

Of course that was not important to the story, I just wanted to put a link to the poopsmith.

Anyway, I know that there are many people who actually do look older than they are and must toil with such a sentiment. Not me. Let me relay a conversation I had with one of the patients at the hospital:

Patient (on stretcher as I am pushing them down the hallway): Don't you have to be 18 to work at this hospital?

Me: Yes, ma'am.

Patient: Then how did you slip through? You don't look a day over 16!

Me: Ma'am, I'm 24.

Patient: I don't believe it! You look like you can barely drive! Really, how old are you really?

Me: Honestly, ma'am, I'm 24.

Patient: What year were you born?

Me: 1979

Patient: I suppose that's right, I can't do math in my head. But you probably prepared for the question.

Me: You know what? You're right. I'm not 24, I'm actually 39. I was in a massive car accident when I was 16 years old. My friend was driving and a semi hit my side of the car. I had to have extensive surgery on my face to reattach my nose. All the surgery cut off the nerves receptors that cause my face to age. So therefore, as the rest of my body ages, my face will always look 16 years old.

Patient: *gasp* Really?

Me: Yeah, you want to see my liver spots?

Now, some people get offended when they are placed at a younger age. Not me. When I'm 40+ I'm gonna be dying for people to say that I look younger. Heck, I'm 30 and I'm already loving it.

The baggage normally left behind

Under normal circumstances I can completely separate my real life from my life at work. Yeah, I may decompress, but my emotions outside of the Ranch aren't wrapped up with what happens inside of the Ranch. However, every so often there are days (or a couple of days in a row) when things can get a little overwhelming and I know that if I don't get well-timed day off, I'm not going back....ever.

These past three days have been such days. How excited am I that all I have planned for tomorrow is giving a voice lesson and possible going to Wal-Mart to let out some aggression in the tax-free weekend crowd! I got my car inspected this afternoon after work so I don't even have to do that.

Well, back in April I was sent tagged in a note on Facebook called the ABCs of Me. I completed the thing and here I am, presenting it to you.

The ABCs of Me

A - Age: 30 and proud of it! mostly

B - Bed size: queen

C - Chore you hate: dishes are icky, I don't like wet food

D - Dog's name(s): no dog, live with my parents. once I get out on my own, I'm getting a dog and naming it something cool. I used to have a dog and his name was Jiggs

E - Essential start your day item: a good toothbrushin'

F - Favorite color: green

G - Gold or Silver: silver

H - Height: 5'5.5"

I - Instruments you play: piano, trombone, trumpet, clarinet (well, I can hold it and look like I play it), saxaphone

J - Job title: Professional Counselor

K - Kid(s): zero

L - Living arrangements: with my parents *sigh*

M - Mom's name: Dawn

N - Nicknames: Fippie, Dede, Nise, Nisey

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: never had to be in the hospital over night. OH WAIT!! two months after I was born I had to go back to the hospital because I had viral meningitis and there was that one night I spent the night in the hospital with my mom and she had surgery

P - Pet Peeve: extraneous s's and bad grammar

Q - Quote from a movie/tv show: "Have you ever thought of changing your name to Bolt Lightning? Cloudy McAdams? Windy Morningdew?" -Hornstock from Psych

R - Right or left handed: righty

S - Siblings: older brother

T - Time you wake up: Sunday-Friday at 7:00am. Saturday depends on what is required of me

U- Underwear: usually

V - Vegetable you dislike: green olives, absolutely horrible

W - Ways you run late: i wake up late

X - X-rays you've had: teeth, hand (finger, actually), ankle (both), neck, shoulders, spine

Y - Yummy food you make: creamy cherry cheese cups, my own recipe

Z - Zoo favorite: The snake house and the penguin house because they are inside. This is Texas! Hot weather isn't good for chunkertons

Repost of My Unfocus

I admit it, I’m chicken. I knew my friend was dying. I knew it. But I still didn’t go see her. I didn’t call her. I didn’t do anything. I did nothing.

Why?

I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid that I would go over and be in the way. I was afraid that I would be a nuisance. I’ve been a nuisance for a good portion of my life that I felt like that would’ve been the worst time to be one. Of course, I was afraid that this would be saying goodbye and I wasn’t ready.

I’m still not sure if I’m ready.

My first day at River Oaks Baptist Church was coincidentally by 25th birthday. Somehow, the word got around. I showed up at church that day and walked up to the youth Sunday school room to a party. I still don’t know who told that it was my birthday because I know I sure didn’t point it out. It just happened to be on my résumé. Donna had made a card with her superior stampin’ skills and had made me a stone tile coaster. She gave it me stating, “I hope you drink coffee.” She did not yet know that I had regular seating at the Camp Bowie Starbucks.

The next Sunday was Easter. My grandparents didn’t really have big Easter plans and Darin and Alexis were way out in Lone Camp or Ponder. My plan was to go through a drive-thru after church and then go home. Donna did not really like those plans. Neither did Phil, her husband. Immediately, I was gathered up and on my way to Phil’s parents’ house for Easter dinner. I was sat at the kids’ table where a food fight commenced consisting of jelly beans and butter. Special appearances made by Hailey and Eric.

From that point on, I was adopted. Donna knew I didn’t have my parents here in Texas. My grandparents were here but they lived in Weatherford and were very busy people. Donna took care of me. Our relationship is a weird one. A very functional weird one. As the youth minister, the worked for me because she was a volunteer in that she was at every youth function and taught Sunday school. She went to youth camp every year and just generally helped out anywhere it was needed. She is a very strong minded woman yet she willing put herself under the “authority” of a much younger person. Of course it helped that I highly respect her opinion in all matters. At the same time, she was like a mother to me. She took care of me when I was sick and helped celebrate birthdays and told me when I was being an idiot. She came to me for advice and counsel and I came to her for the same. Like I said, our relationship is strange one, but a highly functional one.

Last Wednesday, I spent most of my day in the hospital. She knows she has only a few days left. I walked into her room and true to Donna’s form she said, “Hey! I had forgotten you had cut off all your hair.” That’s my girl. I sat down next to her and the next thing out of her mouth was, “Phil, tell Denise about Regina.” You see, Donna had been talking to her friend Regina for years about Jesus. I’ve heard about Regina before. Well, while Donna is literally on her deathbed, she is still telling her friend about Jesus on Tuesday, Regina gave her heart to Jesus. When Donna was telling me about it she said to me, “It was then that I realized that this is where I needed to be and that if it took my death to bring her to Christ that it was worth it.”

I got to spend about 5 minutes with alone with her. Those minutes are precious to me.

I can’t imagine getting to this point in your life and being so at peace with it. In addition to the peace, through all the pain and suffering she is still cracking heaven jokes and picking on her loved ones. I always thought Donna was amazing and now she continues to prove me right.

There’s been a few theories floating around as to why God would need Donna in heaven now. One of them includes her Aunt Winnie needing someone to keep her under control. I think my personal favorite, and probably the most accurate, is one that Pete came up with: Someone is throwing a party up in heaven and they need Donna to stamp the invitations.

So, how do you say goodbye to such a dear friend who's meant so much? I may not know, but Donna does.

"Can't wait to see you again. I'll be waiting for you."