No Regrets! *thumbs down, raspberry noise*

Yeah, I bet you regret not paying attention during spelling in school.

I do not subscribe to the notion of Living Life with No Regrets. Quite frankly, I think it is an extremely immature way to think. The definition of regret is this: a situation in which an individual had control over and wishes that they had done something different. 

If someone is saying that they have no regrets, then there a couple of possible things happening here:

1. That person is a narcissist jerk face who thinks that their mistakes don’t make a significant impact one way or the other.
2. That person is delusional.
3. That person has simply given in to the popular belief that mediocrity is ok.
4. That person does not want to take responsibility for their actions that led to negative consequences.
5. That person wants to limit the amount of negative consequences by pretending it’s no big deal.
6. That person is a liar.

As a chemical dependency counselor, I’m well acquainted with the concept of acceptance. Acceptance isn’t about pretending that everything is all lollipops and rainbows. Acceptance is about understanding that there are things you cannot change and not letting that get in the way of your own personal joy. Acceptance has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with “No Regrets.”

I have heard such ignorant statements like, “I have no regrets. Every mistake I’ve made has made me the person I am today.”

Now let me say this: I believe that I’m a pretty fantastic person. I have a good sense of humor, a good moral compass, and I am adorable (despite the excess amount of me). I’ve made a lot of mistakes and a lot of bad decisions.

A lot.

Yes, I wish I had done those things differently. I’m pretty awesome, but if I had made better decisions I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I’d be better!!

Why is it so hard for people to admit that they wish they had done things differently? Wishing you had done things differently does not mean that you cannot be content with where you are in your life. They are completely independent events.

Come on, people! If you can admit your regrets (because even if you claim you have none, you do), then you actually have a chance of moving past them to making better decisions in the future.

Here we go again

I'm writing this on my phone while in the car ahead of me is my brother and sister as we are headed to the airport.

They leave to return to Hong Kong this morning. They are about to start on phase two of their mission in the new place they call home. 

That last part was hard to write. Darin has written a couple of blogs about how Texas is not his home anymore. That's hard for me because if I consider Hong Kong their home, then that means the only time I'll see him and Lexus is on short visits. I like to think there's an option of living close together again. I like to imagine that one day we will serve The Lord together like we used to. What my brother doesn't understand, because it's not the same for him, is that things are harder when he's not around. I'm a better worship leader and all around musician when he's there with me. 

One year ago, as we were heading to the airport I had it together. I didn't cry because I had prepared myself. Somehow, this time is harder. I guess it snuck up on me and I'm a wreck. I'm trying to get it all out in the truck so I won't cry at the airport where Darin will surely make fun of me and Lexus will cry too adding to the vicious cry cycle. 

It's proving more difficult than I thought. 

We had some great times while they were here and I'll post about those later. This post, however, is my emotional outlet one. Hopefully Darin and Lexus won't read it and if they do, it'll be after we say goodbye. 

No promises

So, I haven't blogged in a super long time. Sorry. The three of you who read this, I know, must be terribly disappointed. I just haven't had much to blog about. I've had some ups and downs and I've mostly been dealing with those instead of blogging about them. However, blogging has been a therapeutic tool for me in the past so it does seem ridiculous that I haven't been. Sorry, I ramble.

I guess I can start at the beginning of the year and go from there:

Surgery

On January 9th I had some surgery. No big deal. It wasn't a life threatening thing except that the reason I was getting it was to help me breathe. So, about 6 months ago I had gone to get my wisdom teeth out. Unfortunately when they gave me the sleepy juice, I stopped breathing. 

No biggie. 

They stopped the extraction and the oral surgeon told me that my tonsils were so huge that I needed to see about getting them out because they would be huge contributing factor to my sleep apnea. If I didn't then I was going to have to get my wisdom teeth out in a hospital under anesthesia. 

Awesome.

So I went to a recommended ENT and he basically told me that my tonsils weren't really a problem that is was just because I was fat. Such lovely words to hear. So I called the oral surgeon back and left a message with his nurse about what the ENT had said. That surgeon called me himself at 7:00 at night to tell me to get a second opinion. He remembered me specifically because in his entire career he has only had to stop surgery about 3 times for tonsils.

And I overachieve yet again.

So I went to a new ENT and he said that sure being overweight can effect it but that sleep apnea is on the rise most in medium sized women (I am most definitely NOT medium sized). He told me that there was more to it than just my tonsils. Apparently my right nostril was completely blocked due to a deviated septum. I never really noticed, well, I did after he said that! He also said that my throat was never narrow and that I had a small mouth (just so you know, this is the second doctor I have had tell me that I have a small mouth. I even got it in writing this time).

So, here's the list of things I had done, by two different doctors on January 9th:

3 wisdom teeth extractions (should have been four but my big tongue got in the way)

tonsillectomy

septoplasty

uvulopalatopharyngoplasty

Yay me!

Two weeks after my surgery I got an upper respiratory infection. Yeah, you try hacking up a bunch of stuff when you've just had throat surgery.

I have a sleep study coming up to tell me how my sleep apnea is now that I have a bigger airway.

Blood Clot

Now this story is stupid. I had a painful knot on my leg. I went to the doctor and he gave me a bunch of antibiotics in case it was staph. He also said that if it gets worse to come back because it could be a blood clot.

It got worse.

I went back and the doctor said that I needed to go to the ER right away and that he even recommended that I get a ride in an ambulance from the office. I refused and my husband drove me.

ER personnel saw that I had a blood clot in a superficial vein that told me that I MUST go see a vascular surgeon the very next day to get the clot removed. They also gave me morphine for pain. Me no likey.

So I went the next day to a vascular surgeon and he said that it was no big deal. He said to keep it elevated for a few days with a heating pad on it. 

It got better.

Loss

My buddy Nathan passed away on February 25th. I hadn't spent a whole lot of time with Nathan while he was alive but enough to be crushed by his passing. Of course my emotions paled in comparison to his family's. Nathan is my best friend's brother. My favorite moment with Nathan happened the first time I met him. I was hanging out with Carr!e, Nathan, and their parents. Carol (mom) was showing off her archery skills. I tried but I couldn't even pull the bow all the way back. Carr!e was taking pictures, like ya do. I went to go sit by Nathan on the bench. He was digging watching nature and his family playing. Of course, it's not like they sat him on the bench and then ignored him. No, he was very much a part of the proceedings. I was chatting with him and then he began to stare at me very intently. Then he reached out and grabbed my face. At that exact moment, Carr!e had turned to take a candid picture of us on the bench. She captured that moment with Nathan grabbing my face and me laughing in surprise.

I got to spend some more times with Nathan when Carr!e and I would be visiting her parents and Nathan would be as well. He seemed to like me (unlike his feelings for Jeremy) and like him, too. 

Family

I miss my brother. I miss my sister. It's been almost a year since I've seen them and that seems unreal to me. I am so proud of what they are doing in Hong Kong but my pride is tempered by my jealousy. What they are doing is something I have always wanted to do. But God does not have the calling for me right now. I need to bloom where I am planted and wait for when/if God wants me to move.

But that's not the hardest part of this. The hardest part is being so happy for them but wanting so badly for them to be home. But here is not home anymore.

Ok, I gotta move on because it isn't socially acceptable to be crying at work.

Future

I don't know, yet. We'll just have to see.

In Conclusion

I will be making no promises to do better at this blogging thing. I can just say that I will try. Even when all I'm writing about is nonsense, it is still very therapeutic for me. Sorry if this one just seems a bit whiny. I'm in an emotional phase right now. 

It'll pass.

Soon.

I hope.

A New Friday Five: Strong

Who is physically the strongest person you know?
Donovan Craft. The man can rip a telephone book in half. I've seen it.


What unpleasantly strong aroma have you recently experienced?
I could say something crude like farts or bathrooms but I'm not going to go for the easy answer. There was a certain man that had come up to Curtis and I as we were going to our car after dinner in Deep Ellum. On the way in, Curtis had given about $4 to another man. This second man was particularly hard up and was asking for money for the bus so he could get back to his shelter. Curtis gave him some money (I very rarely have cash) and gave him another little gift which prompted him to hug me. The aroma that hit my nose (that I had faintly picked up when he was 4 paces away from me) was enough to cause my eyes to tear up.


Many over-the-counter medications come in “extra strength” varieties. What’s something in your life that doesn’t but should?
Memory aides. Ginko biloba and all those other memory boosters never did anything for me. It would have been very helpful in college as I was trying to remember all that stuff and even now as I have conversations with my husband or counsel people and have to document it later. I'm a list maker. If I write it down then I'll remember. If I don't, then it's a crap shoot.


When times are rough, what’s most effective at boosting your inner strength?
Besides the obvious spiritual things (going to church, reading my Bible, prayer, all of which work for me, by the way), I would have to say spending quality time with my family. Curtis and I just recently finished a project together. We put together one of the hardest puzzles, ever, and then framed it and hung it up. Playing Phase 10 with my family or Cranium. Magic tricks with my brother and crafting with my sister (in-law). These are the things that boost my inner strength. Of course, spending quality time with my Lord and Savior is number one. Yep, I still went for the obvious spiritual thing.


What’s your favorite song whose title or lyrics contains the word strong?
Right now my brain is having a sneeze trying to think of songs with the word strong in it. Of course, I immediately go to Kelly Clarkson but I wouldn't say that's my favorite song. So, then I remembered a song I heard recently and though I can't say it's my favorite, I can say that it's my favorite that I can remember right now. Matthew West wrote a song called Strong Enough. Here's my favorite part:

I know I'm not strong enough to be

I know I'm not strong enough to be

everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough

Strong enough

For the both of us

Song: Shadows and Stains

shadows hide stains
like the stains on my soul from my sin
light shows stains
and makes me take notice

now i have a choice to make
stop the spillage or ignore the stain

your blood washes me clean
it's the light that knows where the spots are
your love's more than enough
to wash away the stains, and make me clean

the stains have disappeared
yet i keep soiling my soul
your blood is refreshes, renews
the old stains and the new

now i have a choice to make
stop the spillage or ignore the stain

your blood washes me clean
it's the light that knows where the spots are
your love's more than enough
to wash away the stains, and make me clean

another post from training

So, I'm sitting here drinking a chai tea latte from the Starbucks here in Prestonwood Baptist. Yup, IN Prestonwood.

So it's been a while since I've had a good fall. When I do fall I usually want someone else to share it with me (as on onlooker) if it is especially funny.  Well, I had a good one last night and my husband was watching the whole thing.  Donovan and Mark saw the after effects (mostly me laying on the floor not wanting to move yet surrounded by sweet tea because the cup broke). What had happened was that one of the employees had already mopped the floor with too much water. She did not use a "wet floor" sign. *cue Ryan impersonating the falling man on the sign* I hit that wet spot and one leg slid forward (which means I couldn't catch myself) and one leg slid backward meaning I hit the floor with all my abundant weight on my knee.  Then I pitched forward and slammed my elbow.  If my styrofoam cup had not broken open, I would have been able to save the tea because I did keep it upright.

Randy lay there like a slug.  It was his only defense.

That's what I did.  I didn't trust my knee to move.  It was throbbing and my ankle had a bit of a burning sensation going on.  That's when the laughing began.  I would have laughed too if I saw myself just chilling on the concrete floor with a pool of sweet tea around me.

When it was all over, Donovan told Curtis that if this had happened in Connecticut, I would shortly own that restaurant.

He's not wrong.

Training requires blogging

I'm sitting here in a CISM training which awesomely is worth 27 CEUs,which I need 24 by January. Anyway, I'm struggling to pay attention and have a good attitude about it.  For those of you have been reading my blogs for quite a while hopefully remember my complaints about my classes in seminary. I'm seem to be having some of the same issues, mostly with the stupid questions.  I mean, the man JUST explained that and all you've done is reword the statement that he JUST said in the form of a question!

What's also interesting is that the teacher keeps referring to me for some clarification because I'm the only licensed clinician in the room of over 35 people, including the teacher. Don't get me wrong, I am getting good information and dang stank it, I'm getting 27 CEUs.

I've got two more hours to go today, I've already been here yesterday from 8-6 and today live been here since 8. Tomorrow is the same thing.

On a completely different note, I had an attitude shift at my job where I've learned to just let things go. My boss ws driving me crazy and in turn I would border on being disrespectful. I was never outright rude but I would sometimes get short with him which is not a good thing. For a long while I was he only one running the office.  I was doing the job of two therapists and an office manager. I realized that if I was going to do my job or even get any help from my boss, I needed to stop fighting him. Well, I had my annual review a couple of days ago, and my boss gave me a great review. I'm even getting a raise, something Sundown never did.

In the frivolous category, I finally got some Ink Joy pens. Love, love, love!