I have a fiance

The announcement slide had said that if you missed Sparky’s surprise skit at the fundraiser luncheon you would regret it. In the past, all of his skits have been extremely creative and fun so I was looking forward to it. Plus, I knew who was doing the cooking so I had my reservations for the upcoming event.

As we were sitting at our little table eating our salads, Curtis said that the skit was one of those that involved Sparky taking people from the audience. Considering our history of making fun of each other, I had a feeling I was in trouble.

I look over and see that in addition to Curtis’s parents who arrived earlier to watch the puppet black light show, Curtis’s grandparents arrived.

Now, Curtis’s granddad is a pastor at a church of his own and finished his morning duties (he he, duties) and then they came to our church for lunch.

“Hey, you’re grandparents are here! Why are they here?”

“I don’t know. Sparky, why are granddad and them here?”

“I don’t know, I guess to support the puppet ministry.”

Now, I would like to think that I am an intelligent person. However, my brain stopped working. I didn’t put any of it together. Other people told me later that they figured out what was happening. I would like to think that God made me intentionally stupid at this moment. Especially when Curtis’s mom pulled out her video camera at this next part.

Sparky steps up to the podium and announces that he, and whoever he gets from the audience to help him, will be performing the favorite fairy tale, “Cinderella.”

Immediately, Steven began to heckle. Now I KNEW I was in trouble.

Sure enough, I was chosen to play the role of Cinderella. I was handed an apron and a broom. My evil step mother was a police chief and my evil step sisters were a juvenile probation officer and a dog catcher, both male, all three in bad wigs.

Then my fairy god mother arrives. Darin. He, I’m sorry, she, had long blonde hair, fairy wings and a wand. Oh and she spoke like Yoda, thanks to the heckler.

Then comes Prince Charming. My Prince Charming, Curtis. Of, course, he had a wig too.

Sparky walked us through the whole story including dancing and shoes and all.

Then came the moment when Prince Charming gets down on one knee. Now, I thought Sparky was just teasing him again for taking FOREVER to advance our relationship. Then Curtis reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring box.

Wait, a minute! Sparky didn’t give him that prop.

Now, let me give you a little side note for a moment: One night, a couple months into our relationship, as Curtis walked me to the door after a date, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box that had a candy heart in it. He gave it to me. I read the heart and it said, “Kiss me.” And that was how our first kiss happened.

Another night, I handed him a box that said the words, “Love ya” which brought about the first time we said I love you to each other.

Ok, back to the story.

So, Curtis has this ring box, he’s down on one knee, wearing a mullet wig, and I’m confused because I still don’t know what’s going on. Curtis opens the ring box and inside is a candy heart that says, “Marry me.”

That’s when the neurons kicked in and I understood: Curtis is asking me to marry him!!!

The crowd went wild! It was like it was a football game with all the whooping and hollering. I looked up and Alexis was crying (so was Darin).

Then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen.

I said yes.

1979, please Alex

How much was gas when you started driving?

WikiAnswers says 88 cents. At first I thought, "no way." Then I remember driving to Gaffney to get gas because it was 99 cents. Now I feel even older than Taylor says I am.

Did you ever own a record player?

still do.

What year did you graduate high school?

1997

Do you own any Oldies Music? If so, what?

holy cow yes. I have most eras, including Baroque. My favorite is the old standards, Frank Sinatra, Louis Prima, Dean Martin.

Where did you go on your first date?

My dad took me to a play and The Balcony restaurant in Fort Worth on my 13th birthday. He wore a tux.

Do or did you own a pair of roller skates?

I inherited my brother's. They were blue with red wheels. I currently own a pair of Sketchers roller skates. Do I know how to use them? No. I'd fall. I'd fall very painfully.

Have you ever played skip-it?

Heck yeah!! Fun times.

Do you remember moon shoes?

More fun times. My science teacher had a pair.

Did you ever do the Macarana dance?

yes, and I am ashamed of myself. I will never do it again if I have any say in the manner.

What was your first pet's name?

Jiggs

Have you ever dyed your hair a weird color?

not really. it was weird for me and everyone that knew me, I tried blonde once. Mark Dougherty was the only one that liked it besides me.

Did you ever play four square?

still do. Pudge Girl is a four square masta

What about Hopscotch?

yeah, but I didn't really like it. preferred bikes and skateboards and stuff like that. Oh! and making a house out of a refridgerator box.

Or Dodgeball?

who didn't? It was a way for bullies to perform legal executions in gym class.

Have you ever won a goldfish at the fair?

no, never really did the games.

Where did you meet your best friend?

I believe the first time I ever met her was when she came to see Grease. But I knew who she was before that, not sure how. Maybe it was when she came to see The Elephant Man. Did you come see The Elephant Man?

Do you know how to do the Electric Slide?

hello?! A night at Scuffletown or any wedding/school dance/Women of Faith conference is not complete without the Eletric Slide

Did you like strawberry or chocolate milk better?

Chocolate

What was your favorite food as a kid?

I believe it was Kraft Macaroni and Cheese...or is it Cheese and Macaroni

What was the 1st video game console you owned?

Texas Instruments

How old were you when you got your first car?

16

What was your 1st job?

Off the books-mowing lawns in the trailer park, on the books-grocery store cashier

Have you ever had a fuzzy steering wheel?

heck yeah, looking for a new one. my favorite was the pink fuzzy one. Can't find one.

Have you ever made rice krispy treats?

I don't think I have

How old were you when you got a house key?

9

Ever met Geoffrey the giraffe?

Oh no. Mom made a rule of not taking us to toy stores. I believe she made a wise decision with that one.

Did the robots on the chuck-e-cheese stage scare you?

I don't really remember going to chuck-e-cheese as a kid. We were kinda poor back then. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, yeah, we had no money for such things.

What was the first rollercoaster your rode?

I was 17 or 18 and I had gone on a family vacation and brought Jeanine with us. We went to Cedar Point in Sandusky, OH (home of Callahan Auto) and I rode 5 of the 10 rollercoasters. Cedar Point was in the Book of Guiness World Records for having the most roller coasters.

What is your favorite arcade game?

Q-Bert

Who was your first sleepover with?

Probably at the Perez's house

Have you ever had a really big stuffed animal from the fair?

no

If so, who won it for you?

Not Applicable

What is your favorite ride at the fair?

Little aprehensive about riding a ride controlled by some guy named Bart who is available for working the fair because he recently got released from his previous job for refusing to wear anything other than tank tops. His naked lady tattoos were offending the little old ladies at the grocery store. His incessant chain smoking also kept setting off the smoke alarm in the staff bathroom.

What's the best fair food?

Funnel Cakes from my own personal experience, but I've heard that the new Chicken Fried Bacon at the Texas State Fair is to die for. Literally, it will kill you.

How old were you when you got your piercings / tatoos?

First ear piercings-5, second-18, third-20, cartilage orbital-28, nose-21, tattoo-21

What were your high school colors?

red and black

How long can you make it on a pogo stick?

not sure I can even make it on to the pogo stick

Did you have a red wagon?

no, my brother did to deliver his newspapers

Did you have a motor powered fisher price car?

no idea what you are talking about. I was having to much fun on my sit-n-spin to worry about a motor powered car

Did you ride the school bus? Was it short?

yes, yes i did. no, no it wasn't

What was your favorite toy as a kid?

my cabbage patch kids, star wars figurines, transformers, and gi joes.

Do you remember the 'My Buddy/Kid Sister' theme song?

yes, and poo on you because now I'm singing them in my head

What do you miss most about your childhood?

no responsibilities. I just want to go back to the days when someone would take care of me and all I had to be concerned with is putting the crayons back in the box the way I found them. (yes, I had OCD as a child too)

What friend of yours have you known the longest? How long?

Oh I don't know how to answer this. You mean that I still talk to? I guess Mark Zeiner. I've known him for 16 years. I'm still in vague contact with others but that's only through Facebook. Mark actually emails me and he has my phone number.

Have you seen every episode of Full House?

yes (I am so ashamed)

Were there any shows you were forbidden to watch as a kid?

yes, I wasn't allowed to watch any other cartoons except Disney ones. The other cartoons had stuff like anvils falling on people and animals running off cliffs and surviving. My parents were well aware of how my brother and I thought through things. We would've tried them. They were very smart.

Did you have a limit as to how much tv you could watch per day?

no, when I lived in Ohio, it wasn't a problem.

Were you allowed to have sweets before dinner?

I don't remember

Did your parents tell you they walked barefoot, up and down the mountain in the snow to school?

No, but I think my mom actually did. Have you ever spent a winter in upstate New York?

Oldie but a Goodie

Six or so years ago, I used to work as a transporter for the cath lab in a hospital. If you're curious as to what a transporter does, it's not nearly as cool as what Jason Statham does. What I did was go pick the patients up from their rooms for their procedure and then when their procedure was done, take them to recovery.

I also was the general poopsmith. I had to put patients on bed pans (and everything that entails), empty urinals, stop a lot of bleeding, and take a lot of crap from the scrub techs.

Of course that was not important to the story, I just wanted to put a link to the poopsmith.

Anyway, I know that there are many people who actually do look older than they are and must toil with such a sentiment. Not me. Let me relay a conversation I had with one of the patients at the hospital:

Patient (on stretcher as I am pushing them down the hallway): Don't you have to be 18 to work at this hospital?

Me: Yes, ma'am.

Patient: Then how did you slip through? You don't look a day over 16!

Me: Ma'am, I'm 24.

Patient: I don't believe it! You look like you can barely drive! Really, how old are you really?

Me: Honestly, ma'am, I'm 24.

Patient: What year were you born?

Me: 1979

Patient: I suppose that's right, I can't do math in my head. But you probably prepared for the question.

Me: You know what? You're right. I'm not 24, I'm actually 39. I was in a massive car accident when I was 16 years old. My friend was driving and a semi hit my side of the car. I had to have extensive surgery on my face to reattach my nose. All the surgery cut off the nerves receptors that cause my face to age. So therefore, as the rest of my body ages, my face will always look 16 years old.

Patient: *gasp* Really?

Me: Yeah, you want to see my liver spots?

Now, some people get offended when they are placed at a younger age. Not me. When I'm 40+ I'm gonna be dying for people to say that I look younger. Heck, I'm 30 and I'm already loving it.

The baggage normally left behind

Under normal circumstances I can completely separate my real life from my life at work. Yeah, I may decompress, but my emotions outside of the Ranch aren't wrapped up with what happens inside of the Ranch. However, every so often there are days (or a couple of days in a row) when things can get a little overwhelming and I know that if I don't get well-timed day off, I'm not going back....ever.

These past three days have been such days. How excited am I that all I have planned for tomorrow is giving a voice lesson and possible going to Wal-Mart to let out some aggression in the tax-free weekend crowd! I got my car inspected this afternoon after work so I don't even have to do that.

Well, back in April I was sent tagged in a note on Facebook called the ABCs of Me. I completed the thing and here I am, presenting it to you.

The ABCs of Me

A - Age: 30 and proud of it! mostly

B - Bed size: queen

C - Chore you hate: dishes are icky, I don't like wet food

D - Dog's name(s): no dog, live with my parents. once I get out on my own, I'm getting a dog and naming it something cool. I used to have a dog and his name was Jiggs

E - Essential start your day item: a good toothbrushin'

F - Favorite color: green

G - Gold or Silver: silver

H - Height: 5'5.5"

I - Instruments you play: piano, trombone, trumpet, clarinet (well, I can hold it and look like I play it), saxaphone

J - Job title: Professional Counselor

K - Kid(s): zero

L - Living arrangements: with my parents *sigh*

M - Mom's name: Dawn

N - Nicknames: Fippie, Dede, Nise, Nisey

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: never had to be in the hospital over night. OH WAIT!! two months after I was born I had to go back to the hospital because I had viral meningitis and there was that one night I spent the night in the hospital with my mom and she had surgery

P - Pet Peeve: extraneous s's and bad grammar

Q - Quote from a movie/tv show: "Have you ever thought of changing your name to Bolt Lightning? Cloudy McAdams? Windy Morningdew?" -Hornstock from Psych

R - Right or left handed: righty

S - Siblings: older brother

T - Time you wake up: Sunday-Friday at 7:00am. Saturday depends on what is required of me

U- Underwear: usually

V - Vegetable you dislike: green olives, absolutely horrible

W - Ways you run late: i wake up late

X - X-rays you've had: teeth, hand (finger, actually), ankle (both), neck, shoulders, spine

Y - Yummy food you make: creamy cherry cheese cups, my own recipe

Z - Zoo favorite: The snake house and the penguin house because they are inside. This is Texas! Hot weather isn't good for chunkertons

Repost of My Unfocus

I admit it, I’m chicken. I knew my friend was dying. I knew it. But I still didn’t go see her. I didn’t call her. I didn’t do anything. I did nothing.

Why?

I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid that I would go over and be in the way. I was afraid that I would be a nuisance. I’ve been a nuisance for a good portion of my life that I felt like that would’ve been the worst time to be one. Of course, I was afraid that this would be saying goodbye and I wasn’t ready.

I’m still not sure if I’m ready.

My first day at River Oaks Baptist Church was coincidentally by 25th birthday. Somehow, the word got around. I showed up at church that day and walked up to the youth Sunday school room to a party. I still don’t know who told that it was my birthday because I know I sure didn’t point it out. It just happened to be on my résumé. Donna had made a card with her superior stampin’ skills and had made me a stone tile coaster. She gave it me stating, “I hope you drink coffee.” She did not yet know that I had regular seating at the Camp Bowie Starbucks.

The next Sunday was Easter. My grandparents didn’t really have big Easter plans and Darin and Alexis were way out in Lone Camp or Ponder. My plan was to go through a drive-thru after church and then go home. Donna did not really like those plans. Neither did Phil, her husband. Immediately, I was gathered up and on my way to Phil’s parents’ house for Easter dinner. I was sat at the kids’ table where a food fight commenced consisting of jelly beans and butter. Special appearances made by Hailey and Eric.

From that point on, I was adopted. Donna knew I didn’t have my parents here in Texas. My grandparents were here but they lived in Weatherford and were very busy people. Donna took care of me. Our relationship is a weird one. A very functional weird one. As the youth minister, the worked for me because she was a volunteer in that she was at every youth function and taught Sunday school. She went to youth camp every year and just generally helped out anywhere it was needed. She is a very strong minded woman yet she willing put herself under the “authority” of a much younger person. Of course it helped that I highly respect her opinion in all matters. At the same time, she was like a mother to me. She took care of me when I was sick and helped celebrate birthdays and told me when I was being an idiot. She came to me for advice and counsel and I came to her for the same. Like I said, our relationship is strange one, but a highly functional one.

Last Wednesday, I spent most of my day in the hospital. She knows she has only a few days left. I walked into her room and true to Donna’s form she said, “Hey! I had forgotten you had cut off all your hair.” That’s my girl. I sat down next to her and the next thing out of her mouth was, “Phil, tell Denise about Regina.” You see, Donna had been talking to her friend Regina for years about Jesus. I’ve heard about Regina before. Well, while Donna is literally on her deathbed, she is still telling her friend about Jesus on Tuesday, Regina gave her heart to Jesus. When Donna was telling me about it she said to me, “It was then that I realized that this is where I needed to be and that if it took my death to bring her to Christ that it was worth it.”

I got to spend about 5 minutes with alone with her. Those minutes are precious to me.

I can’t imagine getting to this point in your life and being so at peace with it. In addition to the peace, through all the pain and suffering she is still cracking heaven jokes and picking on her loved ones. I always thought Donna was amazing and now she continues to prove me right.

There’s been a few theories floating around as to why God would need Donna in heaven now. One of them includes her Aunt Winnie needing someone to keep her under control. I think my personal favorite, and probably the most accurate, is one that Pete came up with: Someone is throwing a party up in heaven and they need Donna to stamp the invitations.

So, how do you say goodbye to such a dear friend who's meant so much? I may not know, but Donna does.

"Can't wait to see you again. I'll be waiting for you."

Huggies aren't just diapers

The following story happened a little over five years ago when Alexis was still my roommate before she became Darin's (through marriage).

Darin (my bro) and I are about to settle into an evening of movie watching fun when I get a phone call from a guy I work with. He says that he and his wife are going to a hockey game and asks if I would like to go. "Heck yeah!" is my calm response. Chris then says that there are four tickets so if I wanted someone else to go I could bring them. I ask Darin and he says, "I can't stay out that late Denise." OK, so I go to the game alone with Chris and Vanessa. Well, the seats that Chris got from a well-known cardiologist were not that great, but whatever, they were free. About 7 empty rows in front of us is a youth group. The adults have congregated to one end of the line of kids and can't really keep an eye on the other end. The boy in question had on a football jersey from his school with the last name, "Huggins" on it. He was obnoxious. Now, I know that any of you who actually know me will say, "Takes one to know one," but this kid went above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to being obnoxious.

We were sitting right next to the opposing team's fan base. I would like to throw out the fact that we are the worst team in our division. Anyway, anytime that the other team did well, the fans, of course, would cheer and jump up and wave their arms and all the fan stuff that you do. This child, kept making extremely rude comments to the fans and just being a loud obnoxious jerk face. He made all Brahmas fans look terrible. Sportsmanship is a virtue that this young child did not possess. Anger began to well up in me. I was in one of those moods that cause Darin to say, "Don't get me into a fight, Denise." Well, finally I had had enough and I could tell that others around me also had had enough. Therefore, without thinking about the possible consequences I grabbed the chair in front of me and yelled, "SHUT UP!!!" I was stunned but could not let that show on my face. These punks can smell fear and look for any sign of weakness. He turned around and said, "You wanna make something of it?" OK, now this punk wants to push me. No problem. "Bring it, Huggie." That last comment brought laughter from three older teenage boys sitting to the side of us. It also brought forth some chuckles from Huggie's friends. He then made a small movement as if he was gonna come up to me. He also through out some sentence fragments. I then pulled a matrix and put my hand up and simply motioned for him to come on. He sat down and faced forward. Of course, after that, anytime that he yelled something, or any of his friends yelled something, they would peer up in my direction to see if I was looking. I know I could've taken one or two of them. But there were, like, 10 of them. That might have been a little bit of a stretch for the Denise-i-nator. For this reason, I was glad that their chaperones decided to leave when there was 4:42 left in the third period.

When I think back on that night, I realize that those youth leaders could've used me as an object lesson. James 1:19 says "My dearly loved brothers, understand this: everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."

Yeah, that wasn't me.

How grateful I am that God isn't like me. I look back at that night at the hockey rink and think if God was in the habit of reacting in the manner that I did, I would've been dust a long time ago. I glad He's more like Psalm 145:8. "The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and great in faithful love."

Next time (hopefully), I'll go to a Stars game.

For the Love of Patsy Cline

After dinner tonight, we were sitting around watching TV, all with our respective laptops of course, and an infomercial came on. I'm not quite sure why we left it on and didn't change the channel but we watched the entire thing. It was an informercial for a collection of classic country music. You know people like Buck Owens, Johnny Cash, Tammy Wynette, and Jim Reeves. Of course Patsy Cline was featured prominently. Seeing and hearing her reminded me of when I thought I was a writer. You see, I joined this website called StoryWrite. It's a site for writers. My friend Germie is a member and he actually deserves to be there. I've only posted two stories and they were ok. I needed prompting. This site provides that. They had a prompt where they had four lists and you had to pick one word off of each list and include those words in your story. The four words I chose were clock, snow, Ellen, Cuyahoga. Oh, and there was also a length limit. I can't remember exactly what it was but it had to be really short. So for your entertainment, I hope, I present to you my short story:

FOR THE LOVE OF PATSY CLINE

by Denise Deaton Smith

Somehow I didn't think I would end up in a holding cell while the county figured out where to put me. The lady sitting next to me has an unpleasant aroma about her and it made it increasingly hard to breathe as I sat on that bench.

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

Being born in Cleveland, Ohio gives a music lover plenty of opportunity to wallow in their obsession. Unless their obsession is Patsy Cline.

I guess my obsession with Patsy Cline began when I was a baby. My mom would rock me to sleep singing, "Walking After Midnight." When I got older, she would sing "Crazy" as I came home from school because she was lonely all day without me.

I asked her once why she loved Patsy. She hugged me close and said, "Well, Ellen honey, no other singer was able to portray an emotion quite as smoothly and as clearly as she did. This woman knew what pain was and you feel what she felt when you listen to her."

One afternoon when I was 8 years old, my mom and I were walking down Ninth Ave when I saw a building I had never seen before. "Mom, what is that?"

"That's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, sweetie. The greatest people in music are honored there."

I remembered all of this the day of her funeral. I was 10 when she died of a massive stroke. I guess I became obsessed with Patsy Cline as a remembrance of my mother.

As I grew older, the first day the new list came out I read who was inducted into the Hall of Fame. Patsy was never on the list. Each year it seemed that my anger grew. It was a slow burn that built each time I read that dang list.

On the day of my 27th birthday, I could contain it no longer. The argument was that she was a country singer, not Rock and Roll. Well, Hank Williams was in the Hall of Fame. Johnny Cash was inducted too. They weren't rock and roll! Who was making these decisions?!

I made my plan. I needed to tell someone what a mistake they were making. Someone needed to know.

That night, I was ready. I looked at the clock and knew it was time. I pulled on my boots and my parka and trudged my way through the snow and stood before the massive Hall of Fame.

I snuck around to the employee parking lot and waited. Finally someone came out in a suit and I followed him to his car. I stuck my finger in his back and said, "Do what I say and no one will get hurt. Get in your car, we're going for a ride."

We got into his car and he asked where my gun went. "Listen, Mac, it's in my pocket and don't think I won't hesitate to take it out and use it. I want to talk to you about a terrible mistake and injustice this Hall of Fame is making."

The look of shock on his face was almost charming. "Listen, I'm just an accountant."

"Whatever! I know you can do something! Pasty Cline deserves to be in the Hall of Fame! Why won't you let her in?!"

"Seriously, I'm just an accountant."

"LIAR!" I felt my left eye twitch a little. "YOU...ARE...KEEPING...HER...OUT...ON...PURPOSE!!!"

Suddenly his elbow came flying for my face. It made contact. My nose immediately started bleeding and my eyes started watering.

Did I mention that I faint at the sight of blood?

I took a ride that night. But instead of fulfilling my obligation to Patsy, Daniel, as I later learned his name, decided to drive me to the Cuyahoga County jail to press charges.

Sharon, the odiferous one next to me turns and asks, "I'm here for shoplifting. What you in for?"

"I'm in for the love of Patsy Cline."